An Interview with Tristram Coffin
SOUTH BEND, IN - As your loyal correspondent boarded a bus to travel to the desolate wastes of Ohio, Tristram Coffin texted him. The conversation proceeded somewhat as follows.
LARKIN: I just got on a bus and have had exactly zero time to think of questions. However, it may be more fun this way. If anyone reads these things, they read them because they're nuts, not because they're good.
COFFIN: (light laughter) It's both, I think.
LARKIN: You give me too much credit, as do they all. Anyway. Our first question: Who are you?
COFFIN: Are you looking for funny?
LARKIN: I am not looking for anything. It would be a breach of my (shuffles notecards) journalistic integrity to tell you how to answer these questions. You may answer them any way you see fit.
COFFIN: I am, then, a work in progress.
LARKIN: In which facets of human excellence would you say you have progressed?
COFFIN: Well, I have been trying to improve my grades and to be nicer to my parents and brother and obviously to improve my 5K time by stretching and strengthening daily.
LARKIN: Since you only mention the 5K, would you then say that the 5K exceeds all other races in excellence?
COFFIN: Yes, it does. It plays into my strength over longer distances.
LARKIN: Could we then, however, say that the 10K, being a longer race than a 5K, is a more excellent race than the 5K?
COFFIN: Yes. That is definitely a true statement.
LARKIN: It would then seem that the longer a race is the more excellent it is, no?
COFFIN: That's absolutely true, but there comes a point at which a race can be too long, at which point lengthening the race decreases its excellence.
LARKIN: And where would you say this point is?
COFFIN: Around the half marathon mark, when your body repeatedly tells you that enough is enough.
LARKIN: My body repeatedly tells me enough is enough at about the 100m mark in the 400m.
COFFIN: (light laughter)
LARKIN: It would seem that someone has made a mistake somewhere, since the 400m, a very short race, cannot possibly be excellent in any way. Does your body not also scream for death throughout the 400m?
COFFIN: Maybe you didn't eat the right breakfast. It is, as you know, the most important meal of the day.
LARKIN: I did not eat breakfast at any point during my high school running career.
COFFIN: To return to the point, there are different kinds of screams. This could have been the problem.
LARKIN: And how should we distinguish?
COFFIN: My body screams truths, such as, "why are you so bad at this race?"
LARKIN: Ah, an honored tradition: distance runners debating who is worse at the 400m.
COFFIN: I feel honored to be part of this tradition.
LARKIN: So: my best 4x4 split is a 60.x.
COFFIN: I'm in the same ballpark.
LARKIN: We have an audience. They will demand resolution. This question must be settled.
COFFIN: I honestly don't know my best time but I'm sure I'm slower than you.
LARKIN: I suppose it is thus confirmed that I was not the worst sprinter among Maine distance runners during my time.
COFFIN: I say that is an accurate statement. But I still have two years. (chuckles)
LARKIN: Note that I said "during my time." You will, of course, be far better than I ever was.
COFFIN: Thank you for the kind words.
At this point, the subject fled, no doubt in an attempt to avoid the exceedingly difficult lines of questioning I had prepared on such topics as the nature of justice, the immortality of the soul, exactly how good my blogs are, and why I should be paid large sums of money for writing them. I wish to also note, in a spirit of journalistic integrity, the subject was enabled to see this final product and confirm that he found it satisfactory. If you found this article praiseworthy, please send that message on to me, Steve Larkin. If you did not, send it on to Tristram Coffin.
If you are or have been an athlete of some distinction or renown in the fields of Maine high school cross country and/or track and field and would like to be interviewed, send me an email at stevenharoldgeorge@gmail.com stating who you are and why I should consider you worthy.